Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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