I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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