i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
