guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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