She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
