Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
