I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
