So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
