Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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