I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize