Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
