I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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