I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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