If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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