But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
