When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
