I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
