i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize