So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
then he tried to convert me to islam
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
