I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
try to milk me bitch
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
