so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
