wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
