my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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