Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
