look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize