If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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