Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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