Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
