Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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