Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
