In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
