Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
