I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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