she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
