the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
