You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize