What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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