NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
