You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
