no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
