I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
