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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
