and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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