someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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