i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
