i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
