I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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