your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
