We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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