Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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