Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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