Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This is the high leading the old right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
