I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
