My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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