my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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