shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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